HOLY RA!
by silver-dagger-113
Summary: The tale of a Pharaoh, a Priest, and a Psychotic Tomb Robber. All left to rot in the hot Egyptian sun! Ok, so that's not all that happens, but as always, madness abounds! ShounenAi Complete
1. the Pharaoh, the Priest, and the Psycho

Wow, I actually wrote a second story! And this is it! (Cackles) Anywho, I know, I should be working on MBD, but I just started typing this...and it didn't take too long, so I figured, "Hey, what the hell?" This is probably going to be short, so it won't take up much of my time. Rest assured, MBD is not forgotten!

Note: I always call ancient priest Seto "Set" instead of "Seth." Why? Because Seth is the Egyptian god of Chaos and priest Seto is not.

Disclaimer: Ok, really, do you think if I owned Yu-Gi-Oh I'd be writing this? Nooooo. Mr. Takahashi owns Yu-Gi-Oh. Not me. Though I would like to...

HOLY RA!

---Chapter One: the Pharaoh, the Priest, and the Psychotic Tomb Robber---

"Set."

_Shut up._

"Set?"

_Just don't speak anymore._

"SET!"

"What?!" The tall high priest of the Millennium Rod glared down at him, his exotic blue eyes glinting in the Egyptian sun.

_Eyes as colder than the Nile, colder than any night_. He shivered at the other's glare; those intense eyes boring into him. "...I...I'm...bored."

Set shut his eyes, attempting to restrain his anger by calmly counting to ten. _One...Two...Three...Fo-_

"Set?"

His eyes snapped open and he held the Millennium Rod up like a sword, waving it in his companion's face. "Say my name _one more time_ and I'll-"

"You'll what?" Crimson eyes held him in a steady stare. "I practically _own_ you. What I say goes. _­I'm the Pharaoh_."

The priest lowered the Millennium Item and spun about furiously, unable to face his companion any longer. It was all Yami's fault that they were lost out here in the middle of the desert anyway. Set had been perfectly happy in the relative coolness of the palace, but _noooo_, Yami had to be all, _I'm going to play hero and get that annoying tomb robber Bakura. I'm the Pharaoh; I can do whatever I want. Shut up, Set, I'm going._

He could have just let the Pharaoh go off alone. He could have let him wander off and die; let him rot in the Egyptian sun. Let the gods deal with him. He could have.

But he had gone out after him.

And now they were lost.

With no food.

Or water.

Just great.

"Hey, Set, I think I see Anubis." (1)

The brunette went cold. "You...what?"

"Nah, I'm just kidding. Hey, you should have seen your face. It was priceless."

Unconciously, he felt his grip tighten on the long shaft of the Millennium Rod. _One...T-Two...Thr-_

"Set? Heeeey, Set, you ok? You look kinda angry."

Oh how he wished he could just drive the shiny length of metal he held in his hands through that annoyingly spiky head.

* * *

The thief looked up at the sound. He swore he heard voices. Different voices from the ones he usually heard. You know, the ones who told him to burn things and blow stuff up and kill and to practice ballet everyday after tomb robbing. Well, he'd never listened to _that_ voice.

He peaked up over the rock he had been leaning against, leaving the cool shade and placing himself in the harsh sunlight of midday. _Ra, it's hot,_ he thought as his mahogany eyes roved the landscape, looking for anything unusual.

"Sand," he muttered. "Sand, rocks, people, sand. Nope, nothing unusual!" Satisfied, he crept back to the shade, leaning back against the chill rock.

He sat bolt upright. "Wait. People?!" He turned around to make sure his observations were correct. People. And wealthy people by the looks of their clothing. But there weren't supposed to be any people around here! They were in the middle of the desert! Only a complete loony would wander off into the middle of the Egyptian desert during high noon!

Well, a complete loony _or_ a tomb robber who had underground headquarters hidden from Ra's rays. Heh.

Hmmm...Now what to do in a situation such as this? Well, how about...KILL! MAIM! DISFUGURE, MULITATE, INJURE, HEAL...Oh wait, that last one was an antonym...Scratch that...WOUND, DAMAGE, HARM! And any other synonyms you desire. And of course rob. Oh yes.

So the intellectual tomb robber (hey, he knew all those synonyms!) crept across the sand, burning any bare skin in the process, and his behind a palm tree. Yes, a palm tree.

And waited...

* * *

"Hey, Set."

Set winced. "Yes, oh mighty one?"

The young Pharaoh frowned. "There's no need to be sarcastic."

"What do you want, damnit?!"

Yami's eyes widened and he took a step back from his fuming priest. "Uh, it's just...Do you see that guy over there or have I been out in the sun for too long?" He pointed a ways away to a young man about their age with white hair.

"Uhhh...He looks like he's trying to hide behind something...Only he forgot the something..."

Yami nodded. "Good, so I'm not going insane."

"Oh, well I wouldn't say that."

"Excuse me?"

Set looked at his Pharaoh innocently. "I didn't say anything, highness."

Crimson eyes narrowed. "You did so. Talk now or I'll kick your priestly butt."

Closing his eyes, he tried his little trick of counting to ten. _One...T-Tw-o...Th...Thr...ee..._Oh screw it. With a growl of fury, he hurled himself at Yami, sending them both toppling to the ground and causing the Pharaoh to let out a strangled scream. He couldn't take it anymore! The arrogant little annoying... "Ow!" he cried as he felt a set of teeth sink into his arm.

Said teeth actually belonged to Yami, who wasn't too comfortable being pinned under his high priest. "Get. Off. Now!"

"AH! Get you're friggin' teeth off me!" He tried to squirm out of his ruler's grasp, but Yami seemed to have a strong set of jaws. "Lemme go – Ow! Damn pointy puzzle nearly took my eye out!" He grabbed the Millennium Puzzle and jerked it above Yami's head, choking the Pharaoh in the process.

"Set! Can't-breath-need-AIR!" He flailed about, smacking Set in the head and placing them both in very suggestive positions.

It seems they both forgot about the weirdo hiding behind the nonexistent tree.

* * *

The tomb robber looked on in amazement at the scene unfolding before him. The two unknown rich men were...rolling around on the ground doing Ra knows what. The tomb robber certainly didn't want to know. He turned around, prepared to go back to his rock, but one of the voices stopped him.

_Hey!_ it said. _Hey, where're you going? _

He frowned. "Away from here. I have no wish to become part of their little love-fest."

_But they're totally unsuspecting! Easy targets!_

He paused for a moment, thinking the voice had a point. "No," he said, shaking his head. "After that whole, _let's rob the former Pharaoh's tomb just to piss of the current loser Pharaoh_ thing, I've decided to stop listening to you random voices."

_Oh come on_, the voice pleaded. _That was just one bad idea..._

"Then you told me to taunt the palace guards. Not a good idea."

_They didn't chase you for that long._

"They chased me out of the city!!!"

_You got off easy._

"And into the Nile!"

_It's not just a river in Egypt_, the voice said, quoting the old play on words.

"_The_ Nile, not denial, you dolt."

_So? It doesn't sound that bad to me._

"There were crocodiles in that water! I had to wrestle one just to escape with my life!" The thief paused. "But the most horrible part was...as I was fighting for my life, my voice took on an Australian accent!" (2)

The voice gasped.

The thief nodded.

_Well...Just trust me. This will work._

He rolled his eyes exasperatedly. "Trust a disembodied voice in my head?" he snorted skeptically.

_Uh...Yes._

The thief shrugged. "Ok." He sat down to listen to what the voice had to say.

* * *

"No, _you_ started it."

Set growled, trying not to tackle the Pharaoh again. They hadn't been fighting for long before Yami declared himself winner and _ordered_ Set to get off of him, or _suffer the consequences_. The priest had complied, not wanting to suffer the Pharaoh's wrath. But he was still suffering, of course. He was still stuck in the middle of the Ra-damn desert with the one person he would have least liked to be with at the moment.

It was common knowledge that Set and Yami didn't get along. Why? Well, that was a bit of a mystery to everyone. They were so much alike, especially where games were concerned (neither ever gave up), that one would think they'd be best friends. But perhaps it was this likeness that forced them apart. After all, both had strong wills and neither was ever willing to back down to the other, or anyone else for that matter.

Yami suddenly tensed visibly, staring at something Set couldn't see. The priest warily turned around, fully expecting to see Ammut (3), fangs bared and ready to devour his soul for attacking the Pharaoh. But all he saw was...the weird white haired guy who had been hiding behind nothing a few moments ago.

"Greetings," the pale haired one said. "My name is Bakura. I shall be your tomb robber today."

"Wait," Yami said. "So you'll rob tombs for us?"

A large sweatdrop appeared on the side of the tomb robber's head. "Uhhh...No. I'm here to rob you."

Yami stared at him blankly. "But you said you were a _tomb_ robber. We obviously aren't tombs."

This time, a sweatdrop appeared on the side of Set's head as well. "No," the priest began. "We are not. But I'm pretty sure he robs people as well as tombs."

Bakura nodded vigorously.

"But that's not the point," Set went on. "Yami, did you hear his name? He's Bakura. That annoying tomb robber you came out here to pummel in the first place. Or something."

Yami tilted his head. "Well. So he is."

The thief blinked. "Yami? As in the Pharaoh Yami?"

Yami and Set nodded.

Turning to Set, Bakura asked, "So, what does that make you? His servant?"

"Try Priest," he answered dryly. "High Priest of the Millennium Rod. Now shut up before I use it to take over that puny mind of yours."

Bakura opened his mouth, about to reply, when a loud rumbling from the sky interrupted him. "A storm at this time of year?" He asked.

Set shook his head. "No, it's too loud to be thunder."

"Silence," Yami commanded. He raised his face to the sky, closing his eyes and relaxing his body. The glowing Millennium Eye symbol flickered to life on his forehead and a wind came to be out of nowhere, making his cloak flap out behind him and his blonde bangs levitate in a ghostly manner.

Edging closer to the High Priest, Bakura mumbled, "What's he doing?"

"Now?" Set asked softly. "Nothing. Not a Ra-damned thing!" He shouted the last few words, making the thief jump back with a squeak. "He's just doing it for dramatic effect," Set went on. "He thinks just because he's got a Millennium Item, he can invoke Shadow Powers whenever he likes to make him look cool."

"Well, newsflash for you, buddy, but I've got me a Millennium Item too," Bakura said proudly, displaying the pendant hanging around his neck, the Millennium Ring.

Set waved his Millennium Rod to show the man he had one as well, then paused in mid-swing. "Wait. You have a Millennium Item? Only the six High Priests to the Pharaoh may have Millennium Items!"

Bakura's eyes went wide. "Well...Um...I...Er..." He put his hands over the Millennium Item. "What Millennium Ring?" he asked innocently. Or as innocently as he could muster. Which wasn't very innocent at all.

Set rolled his eyes and turned back to the Pharaoh. They'd deal with the thief later. Right now they needed to find out what that strange noise was. "Well?" he snapped at Yami, who was floating a few inches off the ground. His outburst startled the Pharaoh, who promptly fell from the air and landed ungracefully in the sand.

"Owwww, Set!" he nearly whined.

"What is that noise?" Set asked calmly.

Yami closed his eyes. "I know not. But it is not of our time."

Bakura, who had wandered over and was laughing at the grounded Pharaoh, asked between chuckles, "What do you mean _not of our time_?"

"I mean just what I said!" the Pharaoh snapped.

"Great," Set said sarcastically. "I'm stuck in the middle of the desert with two psychopaths and an unknown noise, which just may be the harbinger of certain doom. Great. Just great."

All the while, the noise was steadily growing louder...

---End Chapter One---

(1) Anubis is the Egyptian god of embalming and the dead. He has the head of a jackal and the body of a man. Basically he leads the souls of the dead to the underworld. Set didn't seem to think the idea of him visiting was very funny, but if it were me, I'd have stopped and chatted.

(2) Heh, I trust you've all seen, or at least heard of the Crocodile Hunter, that Steve Irwin guy. Gotta love the Australians.

(3) Ammut is, like I said, the devourer. She is a demon who devoured the souls of those whose hearts weighed heavier than the feather of Maat, the goddess of truth. Ammut was also in one of the mangas, though I can't remember which one at the moment.

So what'd you think? Good? Bad? Tell me in your reviews! And check out my other fic, Marik's Boring Day! Well, if you want to. I won't make you. But feedback would be appreciated!


	2. Bottled Chaos

Quote of the Day: I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out – Steven Wright

Thanks for correcting me with that Set/Seth thing, whoever was kind enough to do so. (Is too lazy to go find the name) Heh, sorry. Anyway, I'm not changing it, so suffer. :-p And before someone bashed me for this, I've read you can also spell Ra as Re. SO there. (Feels smart, even though most people probably already knew that).

To the people who reviewed: Thank you so much! This story got way more reviews than I thought it would! Seven reviews on the first chapter! There's only one thing I can think of to say to that. HOLY RA! You guys rock.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, the gods, or anything else. I'd say I own the plot, but if it exists, it belongs to the circus folk out back.

HOLY RA!

---Chapter Two: Bottled Chaos---

"I really mean it, baka Pharaoh, what did you mean _not of out time_?!"

"I meant what I said, Tomb Robber! Now just shut up about it!"

Set sighed. It had been going on like this for hours. Or so it seemed. Maybe the sun was just getting to him. Sun. Desert. Dry, so dry. Water. "Water," he croaked out suddenly. "Need. Water!"

"Ugh, that's so cliché," Bakura muttered as the priest swayed on his feet, dehydration setting in. He fell, in a very graceful manner mind you (as most anime people do), and hit the ground softly.

"Set!" Yami rushed to his fallen priest and dropped to his knees, cradling Set's head in his lap. He turned to Bakura and asked sharply, "Tomb Robber, have you any water?"

The thief snorted. "Even if I did have any, I wouldn't give it to you. Water is a precious commodity here in the desert, highness. We need water to live. You see, most of out bodies are made of water, isn't that fascinating? And-"

"Silence!" Yami stared hard at him. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"

Bakura smirked. "Perhaps I live out here, oh great and wise Horus on Earth."

"There's no need to be sarcastic."

"Oh, but there is."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Damnit!" Yami burst out. "Just tell me the truth or I'll have the gods strike you down with lightning!"

About to reply with a witty retort, Bakura froze. "Can you...do that?" he asked slowly.

This time it was Yami who smirked. "I am Pharaoh. I may do whatever I wish."

Still frozen, Bakura quickly weighed his options. _Cooperate with the Pharaoh...Or get struck down by lightning. Hmmm..._

_Stab him! _one voice offered.

"Nah," Bakura said out loud. "Too messy."

_Bite him! _another tried.

Bakura shook his head quickly, thinking of the scene he had walked in on earlier with the Pharaoh and his priest. "He may...get the wrong idea."

_Dance! Fulfill your dream! Become...A ballerina! _the strange voice pleaded.

"Just shut up! All of you!" the thief snapped.

Yami, who had been watching this one-sided conversation with wonder, jumped. "Uh...Tomb Robber?"

"Shh! Zip it!" he snapped. "Can't you see we're trying to have a conversation?!" He turned his back to the Pharaoh, muttering "Sheesh, _some_ people..." under his breath.

Yami closed his mouth and shut up, content with petting the unconscious priest in his lap.

"What about your plan?" Bakura whispered once he was sure the Pharaoh wasn't paying attention to him anymore. "You know, the one from before?"

_Well, I don't know, you wouldn't listen to my idea of stabbing him..._

"I left my dagger in the secret hideout!" the thief shouted out loud in exasperation, perhaps a bit too loud.

"Secret hideout?" Yami echoed. "What secret hideout?"

"Mind your own business!" Bakura snapped.

"Make me!" Yami retorted, perhaps not his best comeback, but hey, it worked.

"Fine!" With that, the tomb robber leapt onto the Pharaoh, taking them both to the ground and poor unconscious Set as well.

Over and over the tomb robber and the Pharoah rolled, kicking and punching, and, to the great satisfaction of one of Bakura's voices, biting. Soon both were sore and knew they'd develop pretty purple bruises, but that didn't stop them. If Seth, the god of chaos, had come down and stepped between them, they would have pushed right over him and kept fighting. Not that Seth wanted them to stop. On the contrary, he was having a grand time watching them from above. But that's not the point. The point, if there was any, was that it seemed like nothing, _nothing_ would stop them. That is, until the crash...

The big explosion did manage to get their attention and make them pause.

Bakura jumped, latching onto the closest thing to him: the Pharaoh. "W-What is that?" he asked, referring to the twisted and flaming mass of metal laying only a few feet away from them.

"_That_, my dear tomb robber, is not of our time," Yami stated, proud of his earlier cryptic prediction. "See, that's what was making that noise."

"...I guess I can agree with that..." was Bakura's response. They both looked upon each other in wonder (they had actually _agreed_ on something!) then jumped away quickly, finding each other in the other's embrace.

As this was going on, four figures pulled themselves from the wreck.

"I think our plane went down!" an Egyptian looking teen with tan skin, light hair, and an interesting lavender shirt said once he'd gotten to his feet.

It wasn't he who had caught the Pharaoh's and the tomb robber's attention though. It was the other three young men; all who bore striking resemblances to certain other Egyptians the two knew.

"Ummm...Guys? Where are we? I thought we were going to Madagascar..." said one boy who looked a lot like Yami, except shorter...and happier.

"Why were we going to Madagascar?" a paler and much more innocent version of the tomb robber asked, a slight British accent clear in his voice.

"To see the lemurs!" happy shorter Yami exclaimed.

"How did we even survive that horrible crash?" the pale one asked, looking back at the hunk of metal that was formerly their plane.

The tallest of the four gave a low growl. "I think the most important question we should be contemplating is why the hell we four were on a plane together." Yup. Definitely Set. He had bitter high priest written all over him.

Yami stood up slowly and Bakura followed. This movement caught the eye of Set's look-a-like. His blue eyes widened and he gasped, "Y-Yami?"

Yami took a step forward. "Who are you?" he asked slowly.

This got everyone else's attention. Bakura's look-a-like gasped and gave a little squeak, as did Yami's.

"Is he speaking Egyptian?" Set's look-a-like asked no one in particular.

"Yes!" the Egyptian with the lavender bellyshirt answered.

"Great..." he muttered in answer. "Now I can speak Egyptian..." He cleared his throat. "Right. I am Seto Kaiba," he addressed the pharaoh. "And you are Yami, spirit of the Millennium Puzzle." He paused. "I can't believe I just said that. "I'm supposed to be the nonbeliever." He sighed and turned his attention back to Yami.

Yami looked at him blankly, then put a hand on his Millennium Item. "I am...no spirit," he said. "I am the Pharaoh."

Bakura sighed at his side. "Great thing to tell complete strangers when you've no guards to protect you, highness," he muttered. "Who knows who they are? They outnumber us and they could just rob you, or kill you, or... _hello_." He stopped his tangent when he spotted his look-a-like. "My, aren't you the pretty one," he said, striding forward and clasping a pale hand. "My name is Bakura. Might I know the name of you, the angel who has graced us with her presence?"

The pale one squeaked and jumped back. "My name is Ryou and I'm a _guy_," he snapped.

Bakura blinked. "You're a guy? Oh my..." He heard Yami snickering behind him. "Well, you're still very pretty," he said with a flirtatious grin." That shut the Pharaoh up. It also made Ryou groan and bury his face in his hands.

"Yami?" the short and spiky one asked. "Yami, what's going on?"

Yami shrugged. "Why do you look so much like me?" he asked.

"Uhhh...I'm kinda your reincarnation...or something..." he answered.

"Reincarnation?!" Yami and Bakura asked in startled unison.

Yami's look-a-like and Ryou nodded. "Yeah, it's me, Yugi," Yugi said.

"So you're mine?" Bakura asked Ryou, who was still sitting embarrassed on the ground.

Ryou looked up, blushed even harder, and nodded. "You live in the Millennium Ring," he said softly. "Just like Yami lives in the Millennium Puzzle...Or something..."

"Ok," Bakura said, not really listening. "And you've got to be that high priest's," he said pointing to Seto, who just gave him a blank stare. "But who in the name of Ra are you?" he asked the Egyptian in the bellyshirt.

"I'm Marik!" he said.

"And that means nothing to me." He floated back to Ryou's side.

Suddenly, they heard a groan from behind them.

"Set!" Yami cried, rushing to the side of his priest. The others followed, Seto a few steps behind the Pharaoh. What the CEO of Kaiba Corp saw amazed him.

"What trickery is this?" he cried. Lying before him was...him! Well, in funny clothes, sure, but the man sprawled out in the sand looked just like Seto Kaiba.

Yami fell to his knees, taking up the priest's head in his lap again. "Do any of you have water?" he asked.

Seto, a bit red at the sight of Yami holding _him_, turned and grabbed a canteen from Marik, who, for some reason had one, and handed it to the Pharaoh.

"Thanks, Set," he said holding the canteen to the priest's parched lips.

Seto cleared his throat. "It's Set-o," he muttered.

"So, you're from the future," Bakura said in an off-hand manner, stretching and slipping an arm around Ryou in the process. "What's that like?"

Ryou made a small squeaking noise and ducked under the thief's arm, dashing for cover behind Seto, who just happened to not be in the best of moods. The billionaire from the future sent an accidental glare at Bakura, who made a sound much like Ryou did and went to stand by the Pharaoh.

Seto turned around to face the cowering teen. "So, that's your evil yami?" he asked in disbelief.

"I-I'm not sure," Ryou admitted. "Those thousands of years of seclusion in the Millennium Ring must have hardened him a bit. I mean, how would you be affected, being alone for years, teetering on the brink between life and death, light and dark, sanity and insanity?"

"WHAT?!" Bakura asked, throwing them an astonished look from Yami's side.

Glancing at Seto, Ryou immediately said, "N-Nothing! No, I was...I was just telling Seto about a...a story I read on the plane! Yeah...In a book! And it was..."

"It was a story written about the mysterious Millennium Ring," Seto took over. "Some idiot's rendition of the myth behind it. Rubbish. Completely false. Forget about it." Ryou sent him a thank you glance. Seto nodded.

"Riiiiiight..." Bakura's already uninterested reply came.

"But wait," Yugi, who had caught Seto and Ryou's conversation and knew the truth of it asked. "Where are our Yamis?"

Ryou shrugged.

"Somewhere between Japan and...Madagascar...we crashed here in ancient Egypt," Seto began. "I never thought I'd say that," he muttered in disbelief at the nonexistent logic. "Since we are here in the past, your yamis haven't yet died. As you can see, they are very much alive."

"With the exception of yours," Bakura muttered.

Seto threw him another glare, producing yet another squeak. "Because they are still alive," he continued, "they weren't yet trapped in the Millennium Items."

"Trapped?!" Bakura exclaimed.

Seto ignored him. "Therefore, your Millennium Items won't work here, because theirs," he motioned to the Egyptians, "were created first."

"My head hurts..." Bakura groaned. "No more smart talk..."

"Mm. Maybe you should go talk to Marik," Seto retorted. "You won't get much 'smart talk' there."

Ryou looked around. "Where is Marik anyway?"

The sandy-haired Egyptian was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Meanwhile, the fourth member of the plane's passengers, Marik, had found Bakura's secret lair.

"Ooooooh," Marik said, gazing at the trapdoor in the middle of the desert. "What's this?"

The sign on the door read: _Bakura's lair. Do not enter. Enter and Die._

Marik frowned at this. "Ok, so first it tells me not to enter. Then it tells me _to_ enter...and die." He paused for a moment, contemplating this. "Well, I guess I'll go inside!" And so he did.

How could he have known about the traps that awaited he/she foolish enough to enter the lair of a thief?

* * *

"So, he's going to be ok?" Yugi asked, hovering over Yami's shoulder.

Yami nodded, glancing down at Set. "Yes, he should be fine."

Yugi breathed a sigh of relief.

"So tell me...Yugi...What happens to me in the future?"

Yugi paused. "Well, you're a spirit...guess that means you're dead, huh?...and you live inside the Millennium Puzzle...and we share the same body...and..."

What a future! Yami probably would have been quite depressed, hearing that he would eventually end up sharing a body with an elementary school-looking short and overly happy high school boy. Lucky for him though, he didn't hear a word. For at that moment, Set woke up...

...and, of course, the first thing he happened to see was his reincarnation from the future...

"AHH!" he cried, bolting upright. "What trickery is this?!"

Seto's eyes widened as he took a step back. "Well," he began, regaining his composure. "it's kind of a long story."

Set's eyes narrowed. "I've got time. All I've got is time. I'm stuck in the middle of the desert with two morons."

"Join the club," Seto replied.

Set eyed his reincarnation for a moment then leaned back onto the Pharaoh and said, "So, let's hear this tale."

* * *

"Owies!" Marik said with an adorable pout as he slowly stood up and rubbed his sore bottom. "Damn tomb robber," he muttered, looking back at the various swinging knives, pits of doom, and rabid crocodiles he'd just crossed to get into the thief's lair. "Always causing me trouble in the present and now he's trying to kill me in the past." He sighed and dusted himself off, crossing further into the thief's lair.

"Hmm..." he muttered, curiously eyeing a diverse collection of bottles containing Ra knew what. He picked one up and examined it, popping the lid off and sniffing its liquidy contents. "Ewww!" he declared, hurriedly stuffing the cap back on and replacing it on the counter.

Meandering towards the back of the underground lair, Marik wasn't expecting to find much. That is, until he found the treasure chamber...

"Holy Ra!" the Egyptian exclaimed at the sight before him. Gold coins, jewels of every sort, elegant trinkets, and valuables of just about every kind met his wide lilac eyes. "Tomb Robber's loaded!" He ran for the glowing pile of wealth, thinking to jump in and swim around in it, when he saw yet another bottle.

Why it caught his eye, he didn't know. It was ordinary enough, just a red glass bottle. Yet another liquid sloshed around in it when he picked it up. Quickly, he dismissed the thought of smelling it, fearing its stench would be as bad as the last one. The teen was about to toss it back to the ground, when a silent command sounded in his head: _No._

"No? You can't tell me _no_! You're just a glass bottle!"

_The thief. Bring me to the thief._

Marik snorted. "I think not. I take orders from _no one_. Especially not little talking bottles..."

_THE THEIF!_ the voice shouted in his head, a deep imposing voice. _You will take me to the thief, mortal. If you do as I command, I shall make sure you and your friends make it back to your own time alive._

Looking longingly at the treasure, Marik shook his head. "Nah, I think I like it here better. Bakura's friggin' rich, man!"

_DO IT NOW!!!_

"...Ok...Sheesh, impatient bottles..." And with that, the Egyptian reluctantly took the talking bottle to the thief.

* * *

"So then Yugi says, 'Hey, let's go to Madagascar!' and I say, 'Why would I want to go to Madagascar with you losers?' and Yugi says, 'To see the lemurs!' and I sigh and Ryou sighs, and Marik jumps up and down clapping his hands with this deranged-psycho-happy look on his face," Seto said, "then we all got on a plane from Japan to Madagascar. Which strangely departed the same day and time we, and when I say 'we' I mean Yugi, was planning on leaving."

Set leaned forward in anticipation. "And then what?" he asked excitedly.

Seto also leaned forward. "Well then the captain said something about flying monkeys in scary little red vests and bellhop hats attacking the plane...I don't know, I wasn't really listening. And then we crashed. And here we are now."

"Wow," was all Set could say. "Hey, you know what, you're not that bad."

"Yeah," Seto said, nodding. "You're not that bad either."

Ryou, Bakura, Yugi, and Yami exchanged stares, knowing that was as close to a compliment as either of the Setos would ever give out.

"Heeeey!" Marik called, running up to the group.

"Oh joy, he's returned," Bakura muttered dryly.

"Uhhh...Bakura?" Marik asked, approaching the tomb robber. "I know this is gonna sound kind weird, but this bottle wanted to talk to you." He held up the glass bottle.

Bakura's eyes widened in horror, for he knew the chaos that bottle contained. But before he could warn everyone of the danger they were in... "Hey, you went into my lair? _My_ lair?! How'd you get past the rabid crocodiles???"

Marik shrugged and was about to say it was nothing big, when a deep voice interrupted him.

_How very nice to see you again, Tomb Robber._

Bakura paled, recognizing the voice.

"You...know this bottle?" Yami asked, raising an interested eyebrow.

_I am Seth, god of CHAOS!_

Wincing, Bakura turned to Marik. "You had to grab _that_ bottle, didn't you?" He sighed. "I hate you."

END

Seth, god of chaos? Why's he in a bottle? How did Bakura manage to trap him? What's going to happen next?! ...Don't ask me, cuz I don't know...

Anyway, sorry it took me a while to review. I'll try to make the next update sooner, k? The key word there being _try_. Heh. So, R&R and adios!


	3. One Tough Riddle

Quote of the Day: I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. – Jack Handey

Heh, a lot of you said you were kinda confused by the last chapter. Well, that's me for you, confusing as hell! ;; I honestly don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. But…yeah. This story has no set course, so expect much more randomness for however long I decide to make it last!

…I'd make friends with my reincarnation…Or I'd hate their guts…Probably a little of both…

I'm so baaaad. For those of you who read MBD, you'll have to wait a while…I don't know, I've just been really slow with it lately. -.-;

Disclaimer: …So then I said, "Hey, Mr. Takahashi, I'll trade you my _mind_ for the rights to Yu-Gi-Oh!" And then he just kinda looked at me funny and walked away…Just as well, I guess. I kinda lost it a long time ago…

HOLY RA!

---Chapter Three: One Tough Riddle---

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Marik said. "So _you're_ Seth, _the_ Seth, god of chaos and all that good stuff?"

_Uhh…Yes. Do you have a problem with that?_

Shaking his head, Marik said, "No. It's just…" He reached behind his back and procured a copy of the story from thin air. He flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. "Aha! Here it is! Ok, right here in the previous chapter, it says, and I quote, _If Seth, the god of chaos, had come down and stepped between them, they would have pushed right over him and kept fighting. Not that Seth wanted them to stop. On the contrary, he was having a grand time watching them from above. _You know, when Pharaoh and Tomb Robber were fighting before in this story. But I just found you in a bottle in Bakura's underground HQ. Wow. Talk about omnipotent."

_Uhh…_The bottle cleared its throat, if bottles could have throats. _Let's just ignore that little plot hole._

Marik shrugged and tossed the copy of the story back over his shoulder. "Ok."

Six sets of eyes turned to stare at him. "What do you mean…story?" Yami asked.

_Yeah_, the bottle – Seth – asked. _I'm a god, so of course I know these things, but how do you, a mere mortal know what others do not?_

Marik shrugged again.

Sliding closer to the discarded script, Bakura leaned closer to the paper and poked it with an outstretched finger. The story promptly burst into flame.

"Argh!" the thief cried, jumping back. "What the-?!"

"Oh, you mustn't see the future," Marik said mysteriously.

Bakura looked up at him incredulously. "Obviously Marik is no mere mortal!"

Again, six sets of eyes, and a little red bottle, turned to regard him.

"What?" the Egyptian asked, squirming a bit under the stares. After a few moments of this, he sat on the ground with his arms wrapped around his knees and started rocking back and forth.

"Mortal or not, he's still a moron," Seto muttered with an accompanying nod from Set. "Who cares if this is really all a story or not? That's like asking what the meaning of life is. And that's something for people with way too much time on their hands to think about. That and religious groups. (AN: I have no problems with religious groups of any sort. Believe what you believe! Like the Heart of the Cards! O.o Errr…) Let's just get on with it."

Everyone nodded to that.

"So how did you manage to trap a god in a little bottle?" Yami asked, eyeing said bottle curiously.

Bakura shrugged. "I don't quite remember, actually…"

"How can you not remember something like that?" Ryou asked from Yugi's side.

"Too much time in the sun fried his puny brain," Set and his futuristic counterpart mumbled in unison. They both paused and stared at each other, then shook their heads and decided not to read too much into it.

_You are pathetic, Tomb Robber_, Seth said.

Smirking, Bakura gave a mock bow. "Thank you, your godliness."

The bottled god growled. _You don't remember the riddle?_

"Riddle?" Bakura asked, at a loss.

Yugi laughed. "What does this look like, _The Hobbit_?"

Ryou snorted, Seto groaned, and the Egyptians all looked at him blankly. Except for Marik who was still rocking back and forth on the ground.

"Never mind," the short and spiky duelist said, shaking his head.

"So what was this clever riddle I asked you?" Bakura asked.

_You are trapped in a walled in room with no exits. Above is a ceiling, below is a floor. The only objects in this room are a table and a mirror. How do you get out?_

"Umm…Out a window?" Ryou asked.

"No, that would be considered an exit," Yugi said.

"Cut through the walls with a dagger!" Marik tried from the ground.

_You are not allowed any tools. _

Smirking, Yami strode forward. "No, no. Obviously you look in the mirror, you see what you saw, you take the saw and cut that table in half. Two halves make a whole and you jump through the hole."

"How did you ever think of that?" Yugi asked, gaping,

Yami shrugged. "They don't call me the kind of games for nothing."

"That was stupid," Seto and Set said at the same time. They again paused to look at each other.

Seto shook his head. "That was kind of creepy. Even for me." He spun to face his past self. "Stop saying what I'm about to say."

Set snorted. "I should be the one saying that, as I was created before you and you are obviously saying what _I _am saying."

The CEO glared at him.

The High Priest stared right back.

"Er, right," Yugi said, watching sparks crackle between the two. "So, uh, Seth. How'd you get stuck in the bottle?"

The bottled Seth sighed, if bottles are allowed to sigh, which they are in my stories. _Well, you see, the Tomb Robber was about to die and-_

"Now I remember!" Bakura cut in. "That was the time after I taunted the Pharaoh at his birthday party! Yeah, and then the guards chased me out of the palace. They didn't stop there though, oh no. They then chased me out of the city! And into the Nile!" He paused. "They seemed to like doing that."

"Specific orders from me," Yami snapped, also remembering that day. "You called me 'Cactus Head!' and 'Jackal Dung!' You bastard…"

"Ahh, the good ol' days," Bakura said wistfully.

"So what happened?" Ryou asked, bravely putting himself in sight of the tomb robber.

Grinning, Bakura gallantly swept back his cloak – only to have it blown back into his face by a stray wind. Clearing his throat, he disentangled himself from the thing and tried to regain some of his composure. "Well," he began. "I was for the second and not last time in my life attacked by rabid crocodiles. Fierce things with pink polka dots and bunny ears; their dentures drooling everywhere and their eyes all skewed. They challenged me to a game of Tetris, which I boldly accepted, knowing I was in serious danger if I were to lose. So the crocs popped some popcorn and broke out the snack food and we all had a grand old time…" he paused. "Until I lost."

"…Pink…polka…dots?" Ryou asked vaguely.

Bakura nodded.

Here, Yami stepped in. "We were both smashing drunk at the party."

Bakura nodded again. "Totally leeched-out (1)."

"O-k. So what happened next?"

"Well…" Bakura continued, inching closer to Ryou.

_Well_, Seth interrupted, _he called out for me, knowing that I, loving disorder, would listen to him if it meant messing up the other gods' agendas…_

_And of course, hearing his plea, I descended to earth to hear him out. Having watched him before, how could I not aid a fellow lover of chaos? I was going to give his life back to him, but he just had to steal _something!

"Besides the _ump _liters of alcohol he stole from my party," Yami slipped in bitterly.

_So he challenged me to answer his riddle, making me swear that if I answered incorrectly, I'd allow him to steal my soul, _Seth continued. _And I, in turn, made him pledge his eternal servitude to myself for all of eternity should he have lost._

"Guess who won?" Bakura asked with a smirk.

"But wait!" Marik said, coming out of his trance and standing up. He pointed to the bottle. "If you're a god and you know about how our lives exist only for the pleasure and amusement of the readers in an alternate plane of existence, couldn't you have just used your divine powers and viewed the future like my sister does? I mean, you're a _god_!"

Everyone stared at Marik.

"O.o Uh…" Marik stammered.

_Shut up. _Seth commanded.

Sniffing indignantly, Marik spun around and sat down again, muttering under his breath, "I always knew you were my least favorite god!"

"So what do you want?" Set snapped irritably at the god, still seething at his reincarnation.

_Why, revenge! What else?_

"Chocolate cake?" Marik mumbled.

…_besides that…_

Tapping the bottle with his forefinger, Bakura made a face at the god of chaos. "What are you going to do? Blind me with your shininess?" the tomb robber taunted. Yami chuckled.

_More than that. Much more._

With that, the skies darkened and the normally hot climate grew cold. Thunder growled curses at them from above, sending long fingers of lightning to scrape the earth and make them jump. A tornado formed and started swirling in the distance, its black funnel of doom scooping up all it saw: sand, beetles, cows.

"Help me!" a black and white splotched cow shouted above the twisting winds. "Oh, for the love of Ra, HELP ME!"

No one even paused to wonder what a Holstein (2) cow was doing all the way in Egypt.

"What will we do?!" Ryou cried as he grabbed onto the closest thing to him – Bakura.

Smiling into his reincarnation's hair, Bakura didn't reply, enjoying the moment as he was.

Yami fell into Seto and Set, who both caught him, but seeing the other also catch him, both dropped him promptly before turning around and continuing to ignore each other.

Yugi wimpered, forgotten for the moment.

Marik stuck his tongue out at Yugi and told him to join the club.

Meanwhile, the bottle that was Seth was floating and proving to everyone that he was indeed the god of chaos.

"Curse you!" Marik shouted, trying not to get sucked into Seth's hurricane.

_Shut up!_ the enraged god yelled.

Marik sighed. "Isn't it about time for a _deus ex machina_ (3)about now?"

All of a sudden, the dark skies cleared, the thunder and lightening abated, and the tornado stopped, leaving several far-off pyramids upended and dropping the cow to its death near a starving village. The villagers all cried out in glee, thanking every god they could think of, then they all went to their houses and began firing up the grills, telling their families there'd be steak tonight.

A glowing figure swathed in light descended upon our frightened (well, not it Set's and Seto's cases, who were still glaring) protagonists. He held up the Vulcan for peace (AN: _cough_Trekkie_cough_) and said in a melodious voice, _Live long and prosper, dudes._ He then grabbed the bottle. _Hey, Seth, we were all wondering where you'd gotten off to. Come on, we're all playing charades!_

_No! Horus(4)! Stop! You rotten piece of jackal dung! _Seth cried. _I. Want. My. Revenge!_ But Horus carried him off anyway, to play more godly games. Or to torture him. Who knows what the gods do in their spare time? Well…besides the gods…

He was kind enough to let Seth out of the bottle though.

_WHAT?! HORUS! WHY HAVE YOU GIVEN ME THE FORM OF A BUNNY?!_

Ok, so he wasn't extra-kind. But that's not the point. They then flew away, Seth crying out _I AM SO TELLING ON YOU!_, leaving our seven heroes alone in an awkward silence, broken only by Yugi's constant uncomfortable throat-clearing.

"Well," Marik said, shattering what was left of the silence, causing it to cry out in agony as it died an excruciating death. "I told you it was time for a _deus ex machina_. Who called it? Oh yeah, I'm good." And with that he showed everyone the reason why he was wearing such a short shirt: he began belly dancing. Twisting his lean, tanned, muscled stomach, he danced gracefully, showing his enjoyment at being right in an interpretive dance.

The dance had different effects on everyone: Yugi looked shocked, Ryou looked away in embarrassment, Seto rolled his eyes a second after Set did, Bakura drooled, and Yami looked just plain confused. "Uh…Why is he dancing?" he asked no one in particular.

Set shrugged. "Probably for the Yaoi freaks or something. Who knows?"

"Ah. Well, he's quite good at it," Yami observed, watching the sandy-haired teen's shameless movements even more closely.

Stiffening, Set said, "I suppose…"

Yugi, coming out of his shock, walked up to the object of everyone's attention and shook the lithe teen roughly. "Stop it! New rule: No more pointless dancing!"

Marik shrugged and threw him a playful grin. "What can I say, I like the attention." With that, he turned from little Yugi and walked off, brushing by Bakura and slapping closed the thief's openly hanging jaw, getting some drool on his hand in the process.

Yugi sighed and gathered up Ryou, Seto, and Bakura, and followed him.

Leaving Yami and Set alone.

And a little red bottle lying forgotten in the sand…

END

Eh hem…So, I like footnotes. So sue me. …Ok, don't really…

(1)Leeched-out: Ok, yeah, in ecology, this was a term that meant when water ran through the soil and took out all the nutrients (or something like that…) Yeah, me and a few friends now use it to mean you're high or drunk and stuff like that. Not that we do any of that stuff. No, believe it or not, I _am_ straight-edge.

(2)Ok, so I don't really know anything special about cows. Nope, nothing. I just picked the breed Holstein because it came up the most and it looked like the typical black and white milk cow.

(3)_Deus ex machina_: Literally "the god from the machine." In Greek drama, when the main characters were in danger, one god or another would swoop in and save the day. Yes, I did pay attention in English class.

(4)Right, you've got to have heard of Horus. Head of an Eagle, body of a man and all. Seth was the uncle of Horus and they were just really bad enemies. Enemies as in "GRR! I KEEL YOU!" Anyway, Horus was God of the Sky, according to my sources. (No, I am not an expert on Egypt, I only do some research. I hope you all appreciate this!) Pharaohs were believed to be the "living Horus" or "Horus on earth" and such. Yeah, so you know how I said he and Seth were enemies? Well at one point, they fought for the throne of Egypt and Horus lost an eye. O.O But it was restored to him! And that became a symbol of protection (the eye we see whenever we pick up a book about Egypt). I could go on, but I won't. I'm sorry if I ramble, but I really do find this interesting!

Er, right, so there's chapter three for ya. Lovely, ne? That was rhetorical, no need to answer. Unless, of course, you want to. Gods, what a strange chapter. Don't you just love my mindless ramblings at the end of every chapter? I do! So, go do that thing you do and see you next time! And may the Force be with you! (Bows)


	4. Befuzzling Body Swap

Quote of the Day: Laughing when there was no one else around to laugh with was just another sign that you were taking a one-way trip to that fabled land of bananas. – _Larry, The Stand by Stephen King_

Hey, how many of you know more than me about the Egyptian gods/goddesses? Anyone want to pre-read parts of my chapters and make sure I don't make any more mistakes? Or even suggest a link to a good site? That would help me a lot! Drop me an email if you're interested.

Disclaimer: Don't own. So here.

HOLY RA!

---Chapter Four: Befuzzling Body Swap---

"How are we going to get outta here?" Marik whined. "I wanna go home!"

"Shhh!" Yugi shushed, crouching behind a sand dune, trying to see what would happen between Set and Yami. "Hey," he said, turning to look at Marik. "What are you doing here, anyway? I mean, it makes sense for me, Ryou, and Kaiba to be here, we all have yamis. But you…"

Marik fixed him with a steady stare. "I had a yami. Sure, he was a little psychotic, but he was still my yami!"

"He doesn't count!" Yugi scoffed. "He was a result of your pent-up anger…or whatever."

"Nu-uh!" Marik shook his head fiercely. "He had a past here!"

"Ok then…Who was he in his past life?" Yugi asked.

At that moment, a few miles away, past-Malik Ishtar was sneaking into the high priest Kaiba's quarters, only to realize that the priest, and the Millennium Rod, were gone. Well, he did a great deal of cursing then looted the Pharaoh's room instead (lots of pretty shiny things). Then, once he'd stashed his treasure in his now bulging pockets, he went back to mopping the corridors. Life wasn't easy for an ancient Egyptian janitor.

--

The Pharaoh looked awkwardly at his feet, then looked to his priest, who was staring off into the distance. Yami sighed and resumed the examination of his sandals.

Startled out of his reverie by his companion's sigh, Set's icy eyes came up and locked onto the only other living thing in sight: Yami. "Well," the priest said, staring the Pharaoh down, "this has certainly been an interesting day."

Yami winced. "I'm sorry," he said as he avoided Set's eye contact. He cast his eyes about, searching for something to anchor his eyes onto. A glint of red drew his eyes to it and held them. Wait. Red?

"Set?" Yami asked, still looking at the little red bottle.

Set sighed. "I don't want to talk to you. You're the one who got me into this mess."

"But Set…"

"Ha! As if the wannabe with the trench coat could be _my_ reincarnation. He's such a pain. A regular cold fish. Sheesh, he could at least show some emotion every once in a while!"

"But Set, you never-"

"You know, if I hadn't followed you out here I wouldn't be in this mess."

"Seeeeeet!"

"No. I just had to let my emotions take control. I had to listen to my _heart_!"

Yami choked. "The almighty Set has a heart?!"

Blue eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Why _did_ you follow me out here?" Yami asked, a mischievous grin spreading over his face.

Sniffing, Set turned his back to the Pharaoh. "Just forget it."

"Oh no. I'm afraid that's impossible." He put a hand on Set's shoulder only to have it swatted away. "You dare incur my wrath?" Yami whispered lowly.

Set laughed. "Wrath? What wrath? You have the wrath of a five year old!"

"At least I don't dress like one," the angered Pharaoh mumbled. "I mean, come on, a purple dress?!"

"I hate you," Set spat under his breath.

"I hate you more!" the Pharaoh snapped.

"Is that the best comeback you could come up with?"

"No."

"Then why didn't you say a better one?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too!"

"Is not times infinity!"

Having no handy comeback, the Pharaoh did the first thing that came to mind. He tackled his high priest. They both fell tumbling to the ground, biting, scratching, kicking, like two pissed off alley cats. Set's ridiculously tall headdress went flying. Yami lost a sandal. The Millennium Rod was knocked from Set's hands and went flying past the Pharaoh, cutting the rope that held the Millennium Puzzle around his kingly neck. Both Items went flying and landed a few feet away from their owners in the sand.

And who should see the unguarded Items but the tomb robber. With what one could almost call stealth, he began sneaking over. A hand on his shoulder stopped him. He slowly turned around, fully expecting to see those horrible crocodiles who had so often haunted his dreams. What he saw wasn't exactly horrible. More like adorable.

"Please don't steal their Items," Ryou said, his big brown eyes pleading.

Bakura winced, thinking, _Must…resist…cuteness…!_ But it was no use. "Damnit!" he burst out. "Fine, fine, FINE!"

Ryou smiled and led the grumbling tomb robber back to the others: a sulking CEO, a dozing tomb keeper, and a happy reincarnation of a fierce Pharaoh.

Meanwhile, the Pharaoh and his High Priest were still busy with their little catfight.

"Wait! Wait!" Set called out.

Yami paused, wondering why tall strong Set would want to back down. Could it have something to do with the fact that Yami _was kicking his priestly butt_? Yami shrugged, sitting up from his position on Set's chest. "Yes?" he asked, looking down at his trapped priest, extremely happy at the fact that Set had to look _up_ to meet his eyes.

"Couldn't we settle this in a more civilized manner?" he asked. "I mean, what were we even arguing about in the first place?"

"Why did you come after me?" Yami asked evenly.

Set looked around uncomfortably as Yami's crimson eyes bored into him. "I-"

"Well?" He pinned the priest's wrists above his head.

All of his energy, his will to fight, had suddenly been drained from him. Ok, what was he going to tell Yami? Why _had_ he come all the way out here after him? The poor priest didn't even really know that for himself.

"Are you going to answer me?"

Was it just Set, or was Yami's face getting bigger by the moment? The Pharaoh was slowly moving closer, making the priest very uncomfortable. "Yami." His voice was a breathy whisper and he hated it for sounding anything but cool and composed. "Ya-" The Pharaoh's face was unbelievably close and Set shivered as a dozen nasty images filled his head. "-mi."

The priest gasped as he felt hot breath in his ear. "Why did you come after me?" Yami's breathy voice whispered in his ear.

Set made a strange noise in his throat. Suddenly, he spotted the little red bottle. "Yami?" he asked, his eyes fixed on the shiny red glass. "Isn't that Seth's bottle?"

Yami followed his priest's gaze. "Oh yeah! That's what I kept trying to ask you!"

Set sweatdropped. "Well, yeah, it is."

"Oh. Hey! Maybe there's some left over magic in it! Combined with the power of the Millennium Items we have, it might just be enough to send our visitors from the future back home!" The Pharaoh looked very excited. He did so love showing off his skills with Millennium Magic.

Set scowled. "Good. I don't particularly like that supposed 'reincarnation' of mine."

"Why not?" Yami asked. "You two are exactly alike."

The Priest's scowl deepened. "We are not!"

Yami shrugged.

"So, uh, you wanna get off me now?"

"No."

Set sweatdropped. Lucky for him, Yugi was beginning to fear that his yami would tear the priest's eyes out. So he ventured over and of course the others followed.

"And what exactly are you two doing?" Bakura asked with a grin as he looked down upon the Pharaoh and his pinned priest.

Set's eye twitched. "Get. Off. Me. NOW."

Yami smirked. "No."

The priest looked horrified.

"Get off of him." They all looked up at Seto Kaiba.

"No," Yami said again. "I'm the Pharaoh. You can't just order me around like that."

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "You're a spoiled little brat, that's what you are."

Yami and Set gasped. No one talked to the Pharaoh that way! The Pharaoh was the most important person in most people's lives. He was their only connection to the gods. To speak of him in such a way would surely mean death! Bakura only laughed.

Lucky for Kaiba, or maybe not, Yami seemed to like him a bit, or maybe more, than the others. "Very well then," he said, as he slid off of his priest.

Kaiba nodded, used to people following his orders. However, he wasn't used to people tackling him, which was exactly what Yami did next.

Marik grinned. "Dogpile!" he shouted as he went flying to land on top of the tackled Kaiba.

Bakura shrugged and joined them with a loud, "WOOO!"

Yugi and Ryou stood on the sidelines, waiting to see the priest's reactions.

They weren't pretty.

Now very angry, Set picked up his fallen Millennium Item and stalked over to the 'dogpile.' Using the Item's magic, he lifted Bakura and Marik a few feet in the air and casually tossed them to the side, like a smelly pair of socks. The tomb robber and the tomb keeper landed ungracefully a few feet away and proceeded to disentangle their tangled limbs, vowing to get revenge.

The irate priest then turned his Item on the Pharaoh. "Off," he said, rather commanded, in a low voice.

"Make me," the Pharaoh growled back, knowing very well that the priest wouldn't dare use a Millennium Item on his Pharaoh.

At least, thinking he knew very well that the priest wouldn't dare use a Millennium Item on his Pharaoh.

"Very well then." He lifted the Millennium Rod, preparing to get the Pharaoh off of his reincarnation by force. He swung the Rod forward, not a necessary action, it just looked cool.

Involuntarily, Yami lifted his arm in front of his face to shield what looked like it was going to be a blow. He knew that Set wouldn't hurt him on purpose, yes, actually _knew_, but his arm came up on its own.

Set, who had been planning to stop the Rod right before it hit the Pharaoh's face, cried out and tried to stop, but it was too late. One of the Item's wings sliced the Pharaoh's arm, spilling a few drops of blood onto the sand.

Everyone froze, not knowing what to do or say. Which turned out to be a good thing because at that moment, the world swirled and they all blacked out.

--

"Ngh." Set opened his eyes and sat up, rubbing his head. He rubbed his eyes, which weren't exactly focused, but only succeeded in making them more blurry. After a few moments, his vision cleared and he took a look around. Those people from the future were still there, all apparently unconscious, as was the Egyptian kid with the purple shirt. But that one, the brunette with the cold stare and bad attitude, was missing. As was the Pharaoh!

_Great_, he thought bitterly. Not knowing what else to do, he reached out a hand and shook the shoulder of Tomb Robber's reincarnation, deciding to ask him if he knew what had happened. It was then that he noticed his hand. "What?! Since when have _I_ been pale?!"

"You have no right to complain." Set looked to the tomb robber's reincarnation, who had awakened. "Look at me! I'm so pale! And with my white hair!" He sighed.

Set stared at him for a moment. "Tomb Robber?" That boy did not sound like the British kid. "What are you doing in your reincarnation's body?"

"What are you doing in yours?" the tomb robber shot back.

"Huh. That'd explain the trench coat."

Bakura nodded.

"So that means…" He rushed to the one named Yugi's side and gently lifted him up. "Pharaoh? Pharaoh? Yami?!"

Yami mumbled something, then opened his eyes. "Uh, Seto, was it?" he asked.

Set shook his head. "No, it's me, Set."

"Set?!" He looked down at himself. "Hey, where'd my tan go?!"

Set sweatdropped. "That's what we're all wondering."

Bakura let out a low whistle. "I guess what they say is true. When the Pharaoh's blood is spilled on the sands of Egypt, some freaky shit goes down."

"Yeah, guess so." The three displaced Egyptians turned to Marik.

"Who are you?" Set asked.

Marik snorted. "I'm me. Duh. Y'know, hot guy with the great tan and the lavender bellyshirt. Y'dig? Savvy? Hello?"

The others were ignoring him.

"Great, how are we supposed to get out of this?" Bakura asked.

"Dues ex Machina," Marik mumbled.

"No," Yami said. "First we have to futilely try to find a way to get out of this for ourselves. Then, when all hope is lost, the gods will come to our aid!"

Marik nodded. "Yeah, I just said that."

Again, he was ignored.

"Alright," Bakura said, clapping his hands together once. "Sounds like a plan. What'll we try first?"

"The Millennium Items, of course!" Yami cried.

Set sweatdropped.

The now pale Pharaoh picked up the Millennium Puzzle and tossed the Rod to Set, nearly taking the poor priest's ear off. Then, he began to tap into the immense power of his Item, confident that they would all soon be in their proper bodies.

Only one thing was wrong.

"I can't tap into the power of the Millennium Item!" he cried.

Not about to miss a chance to show up the Pharaoh, Bakura tried the Ring. "Damnit! How dare you betray me, Ring?!"

Set tried his and shook his head. "Nope. It must be these bodies. They are unused to magics and such."

"Hey, you," Marik said to Set. "Pretty boy! Blue eyes!"

"What?" Set snapped.

"Gimme the Rod."

"_What?!_"

Marik shrugged. "I controlled the Millennium Rod at one point. Well, until a certain Pharaoh decided to foil my plans of world domination." He shot Yami an angry glare, to which Yami returned a befuzzled (1) one. "But, y'know, not my fault. Anyway, maybe I can still use it…"

"No."

"But-"

"Nope, nu-uh, no way. How do I know you'll return it once you're done?"

Marik grinned slyly. "You don't, do you. You'll just have to trust me, Kaiba-boy."

"…Never call me that again."

"'K. That was the other you anyway." He held out his hand. "The Item."

Set looked hopelessly to the Pharaoh, wanting very much not to give his precious Millennium Rod to the psycho. Yami only met his eyes and nodded. Reluctantly, Set slowly started to hand the Rod over.

"WAIT!"

Everyone turned to Bakura.

"How will the Millennium Rod help us in this situation?" he asked, waving his hand for emphasis. "I mean, what are you going to do, take control of some god's mind and command them to return us to our bodies?" He chuckled. "Somehow, I don't think that will work."

Set snatched the Rod back.

"Noooo!" Marik whined. "I was gonna steal it! How dare you foil my master plan?!"

Winking, Bakura replied, "That was for trying to seduce me with your little dance after you called that _dues ex_ _whatever_. No one seduces Bakura, King of Thieves! No one! HAHAHAHA!"

"…" _How can he resist me?_ Marik thought, panicked. _I'm still pretty. Aren't I? Oh gods, I need a mirror, damnit! _Then he shrugged, deciding that could wait and that he'd eventually make the tomb robber fall for him. But until then…

"HIYA!" He grabbed the Millennium Rod. "Gimme! Gimme! GIMME!"

Set still had the other end. "NEVER!"

"Stop grabbing his Rod!" Bakura yelled, grabbing Marik around the waist from behind.

Yami sweatdropped as he watched the Priest, the tomb robber, Marik in their three-way tug-of-war. It was then that he once again spotted the bottle and decided to pick it up this time. "Hmmm, it's kind of dusty. Hey, I think I'll rub it off!" And so he did.

Suddenly, blue and green sparks stared escaping from the bottle, followed by thick purple smoke that billowed around Yami like a cloud. Then a voice, a low laugh.

"No!" Marik, seeing what Yami had done, shouted, breaking free of the other two, sending them sprawling to the ground, and rushing at Yami. "What have you done?!"

"I-I only rubbed some dust off of a bottle!" Yami's reply came from somewhere inside the smoke.

"Pharaoh!" Set struggled to get up, but Bakura held him down, shaking his head slightly, serious for once.

Pacing before the smoke cloud, Marik shook his head. "Didn't he see _Aladdin_? It's probably a genie."

"Aren't genies supposed to be good and grant you wishes?" Bakura asked hopefully, from atop the struggling priest.

Marik only shook his head again. "Sometimes they're all good and fun. Other times they're wicked beings, hating fate for stuffing them into bottles or lamps and forcing them to grant wished to humanity for all of eternity."

"Whoah. That's deep." Bakura shook his head in wonder.

"Thanks."

"What about Yami?!" a strangled cry came from under Bakura.

Marik shrugged. "Well if it's a good genie, like the big blue one in _Aladdin _that came out of a lamp, we've got nothing to worry about."

"And if it's evil?!" Set nearly shrieked.

Pausing, Marik struggled to put his next few words delicately. "Um…Well, it might not be…good. It may, in fact, be, per say…bad."

Set's eyes rolled up in his head and he began twitching horribly, reminding Bakura strongly of those rabid crocodiles he'd met in the Nile the day of the Pharaoh's birthday party. "I guess I've got to save him," he mumbled. Then, with seemingly inhuman strength, he pushed Bakura off of him and charged into the smoke.

"Fool!" Marik called after him, momentarily angry. But his anger didn't last for long. "Hey," he said, eyeing the sprawled-out form of Bakura.

"Don't get any ideas," the thief said, trying, and failing, to hide a smirk.

"But we're all alone," he said, gracefully stalking over.

Bakura looked around. "So we are."

_Run!_ One voice shouted.

_Stab him! _Another cried.

_Make-out time!_ The third yelled.

_Not a bad idea,_ the thief thought…

--

Smoke was all around, in his eyes, in every breath he took. He couldn't see his hand a foot from his face. How was he supposed to find Yami?

"YAMI!" he shouted. "YAMI! PHARAOH! YAAAAAMI!" Well, this was working out just dandy. It was just a small smoke cloud. Sure, it was thick and you couldn't see, but you'd think he'd have run into him by now-"

Thud.

"Ow!"

"Yami?" Set felt around for the fallen Pharaoh and managed to hook his elbow. "Yami?"

"Yes, yes, it's me," he said, dusting himself off, judging by the sounds of scraping silk.

"Yami!" He'd found him! He was so happy, he thought he could hug him! Which was just what he did! Slipping the Millennium Rod into a belt loop, he took the lithe Pharaoh in his arms. Yami stiffened, but soon relaxed and held his priest back. And it was all good. Until…

"AH! SET!"

"What?!"

"BIG GLOWING BLUE THING!"

"O.o Wha-"

But he didn't finish, because at that moment:

"Mister Aladdin, sir  
What will your pleasure be?  
Let me take your order  
Jot it down  
You ain't never had a friend like me!"

"O.o;;"

The genie from _Aladdin_ turned around. "Hey, you're not Aladdin and his little monkey friend!"

Set shook his head. "No, we're not. And what's with the bottle? Marik said you came out of a lamp…"

Snapping his fingers, the genie yelled, "I knew it! That means that other genie is with Al…Uh oh. He was a bad genie. I gotta go!"

"Wait!" Yami called. "Can't you at least grant us one wish?"

The genie paused. "Sure, kid. Whadya want?"

"We want our bodies back. And for our reincarnations to get their own bodies back. And for our reincarnations to go…uh…back to the future."

"Hmm. Sounds more like three wishes to me."

"Please?!"

Grinning, the genie snapped his fingers again. "You got it!" Everything went black. Again.

--

Yami mumbled something incoherently and rolled over, bumping into something soft. And warm. "Mmmm…Pillow…" So he grabbed the 'pillow' and held it closer.

The 'pillow' grabbed him back.

"AHHH!" Yami screeched and jumped back and his eyes snapped open, only to come face to face with…the High Priest of the Millennium Rod. "Set." He breathed a sigh of relief and propped himself up on one elbow, checking for more normality. He appeared to have his tan back, that was good. Bakura was back to normal too, although the thief had somehow managed to find his way to Set's side and currently had an arm thrown over the sleeping priest. The tomb robber would have to be punished for that. No one touched his preist.

_His_ priest? Since when had he been so possessive of Set?

But Set looked quite peaceful when he slept. So beautiful. An aura of something close to innocence seemed to hover about him, something so alluring that Yami felt himself being drawn closer to his sleeping priest without knowing it. Soon, he was leaning over the tall brunette…

…playing with his hair. Yes, well brown was an odd color for hair, especially Set's color. It was a rich auburn, something not many Egyptians possessed. In fact, all three of them had odd hair. Why, it was almost as if the gods themselves had brought the three together…(Hehe, I love their hair. It's so weird. Except for Seto's. It's kinda normal.)

With that thought in his head, Yami didn't notice as Bakura awoke. "Hey, where'd Marik go?" he asked, somewhat sadly. "And Ryou? And-" He paused when he saw Set under his arm. "Mm. Never mind." He snuggled back down next to Set.

"Oh no you don't!" Yami shoved Bakura off of the sleeping priest.

Growling, Bakura shoved him back. "Bugger off! He's not yours!"

"Yeah he is!"

"No."

"He's _my_ priest!"

"…Oh yeah. Well…Uh…" Bakura trailed off and tackled him. The two tussled and fought, just like in all the other chapters, until they heard a startled cry from Set: "HOLY RA!"

END

…Apparently 'befuzzled' isn't a word…At least Microsoft Word says it isn't. I say it is! Copyright! Boo-yeah, it's mine! Yes, befuzzled is now a word and it means confused. Savvy?

You know, the real world sucks.

Anyway, the next chapter just might be the last! Gasp! Yeah, probably. But, this story's had a good run, and all good things must end. Whoever said that should be shot. Haha, just kidding. So this chapter is not the last, the next is.

In other news…Christmas is only a few days away! YAY! Feliz Navidad everyone! Or, better yet, HAPPY CHRISTMAHAUNAKWANZA!


	5. Loser of the Rings

Quote of the Day: May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin

Well, here it is. The last chapter to HOLY RA! Kinda sad, isn't it? Well, I decided it was time to end it. In other words, I ran out of ideas. (Sweatdrop) But this chapter is still plenty crazy and I think it's a decent ending. If, maybe, a little disturbing.

Note: I hope you've all seen/read or at least are familiar with the Lord of the Rings. Because this chapter has a bit of a parody in it. ; And yes, I have read the _Bored of the Rings _parody…

Disclaimer: Still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Or anything. But I do own this fic…Just not the characters…Wait, the cue-card guy and the director are mine…But that's it.

**HOLY RA!**

---Chapter 5: Loser of the Rings---

"What's wrong?!" Yami cried, leaping off of the tomb robber and to his priest's side.

Set shrugged. "No, I mean I just woke up and saw you two mauling each other…it was just a tad disturbing, y'know?"

Bakura sauntered over and plopped down next to Set, throwing an arm around the priest in the process. "Well that's a relief. I thought you really saw Ra. Then I'd be in trouble."

"Why's that?" Set asked, a bit absentmindedly, as he was more concerned with getting Bakura's arm off of him then with what the thief was saying.

"Well, because I'm a tomb robber, love. The gods tend to frown upon acts of 'desecration,' and 'disrespecting the dead' and all that rubbish."

"Rubbish? Love?" Yami stressed the last word, seemingly spitting it out of his mouth as if it tasted bad. "Sounds like you're turning into your British counterpart."

"Speaking of, where'd they go?" Bakura asked.

"The genie sent them back to the future."

Set and Bakura both said "Ahhhh," at the same time.

"Too bad. I'm really gonna miss them," Bakura said, snuggling closer to Set.

That's when Set snapped. "That's it! I'm putting you under arrest!"

Bakura jumped away at once. "What?!"

"You're the tomb robber Bakura. The one we've been searching for. Why else do you think we were in the middle of the desert for?"

Yami nodded. "He's right. We got so caught up in all this madness that we forgot our true mission. Not only have you robbed several tombs of respectable Egyptian citizens, but you stole the Millennium Ring, killing a High Priest of the Pharaoh. This is a serious offense."

"I didn't _kill_ him…" Bakura said, with a dry, and perhaps nervous, chuckle.

His attempt to shift the blame from his shoulders was met by the cold stares of an irritated High Priest and an aggravated Pharaoh.

"Well I didn't…" Bakura muttered again.

"Really?" Yami asked sarcastically. "Well then what did you do to him?"

The thief grunted. "You automatically assume I did something to your precious priest."

"That's because you _did_ do something to him!" Set snapped, holding the Millennium Rod to the thief's throat. "Now tell me or I'll _make_ you tell me."

At this, Bakura grinned. "_Make_ me, heh? Well, I just might tell you. Depending on what you have in mind…" His hand reached out to grope the priest.

Set pushed down on the Millennium Rod, cutting off Bakura's windpipe. "By taking over your puny little mind with my Millennium Item."

"Uhh…Set?" Yami asked, watching as the thief went blue from lack of air. "I think you'd better let him breathe…He's gonna die before he confesses…"

Set reluctantly removed the Rod from the thief's throat.

Falling to his knees as sweet air rushed to his oxygen-deprived lungs, the tomb robber looked up through his thick white bangs at the priest. "Fiesty, aren't ya?"

Set hit him over the head with the Rod.

"Owww! Reeeealy feisty." A smirk.

"Yami!" a distressed Set turned to his Pharaoh. "Make him stop! He's…smirking at me!!!"

Yami, however, was also smirking.

"Gah! That's it, I'm leaving! I'm going back to the palace and you two can just sit here and rot in the sun for all I care!" With that, he stomped off.

Leaving the two smirking fools.

Oh my…This doesn't bode well…

--

Meanwhile, Malik, the palace janitor, was following the priest and the Pharaoh out into the desert. How? Well, let's just say Yami liked to be prepared and made a map beforehand. Unfortunately, the spiky Pharaoh was rather scatter-brained and had left the map on his bed. Where Malik found it.

"I'm going to find them and rob them!" Malik whispered harshly to the shiny ring he had found in the Pharaoh's chambers. "Yes, yes we will. Yesss, my Preciousssss…" He petted the ring and pulled out the map. "This map is very poorly drawn." Indeed, it was. The lines were all squiggly and Yami had colored the Nile in purple. But as long as the map was accurate, the smiling sun and the dancing palm trees on the map didn't matter.

"I shoulda brought a camel…" Malik mused a bit later. There aren't even any footprints to follow. I shoulda brought one of those bloodhound camels. Yeah."

A few hours later, Malik had nearly collapsed from exhaustion and dehydration. "Waaaaaateeeer…Need….water! Precious…"

Just as he was about to black-out, a pair of sandaled feet swam into vision. "Hey," a deep yet familiar voice asked. "Aren't you the palace janitor?"

Malik looked up to see the blue-eyed priest – the one he had tried to rob. He tried to say that yes, he was, and he was also going to rob you, but all that came out was a hoarse, "Water…"

Set nodded. "Oh, I know how that is." He pulled out the canteen that they had gotten from Marik and held it to the parched janitor's lips.

Malik snatched the canteen and drank it all in two gulps, stopping between the two to mutter, "Precious."

The High Priest noticed this muttering, however. "Precious? What are you talking about?"

"It's mine!" Malik shouted, falling backwards. "It's _mine_. My own. My…_precious…_"

Set spotted the ring on his finger and gasped. "Not the Ring of 3VILN355!" (AN: Umm…Forgive my 1337ness…3VILN355 is 1337 for Evilness. AH, the P0W4 0F 1337…)

(Off set, the cue-card guy was yelling that it was the One Ring. The director smacked him and said that they didn't want to get sued. He also reminded him that the only ones who had been able to see them so far were Marik and Horus, who was at the moment drinking a strawberry milkshake with a little umbrella in it in the heavens. Or wherever.)

"MINE!" Malik spat.

"It must be destroyed!" Set said urgently. "You must toss it into the fires from whence it came; the fires of Mount Dues ex Machina!" (AN: Let's face it. I'm a nerd.)

"NO! NOT THE PRECIOUS!"

Suddenly, a loud screeching came from overhead. The two looked up to see nine black creatures that looked a lot like the Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings, but were completely different. Yup, these guys were actually Ringwaifs and they worked for the evil lord Soretooth, the dark lord who created the Ring of Evilness.

One Ringwaif swooped down and grabbed Set.

"Run, Malik!" Set cried. "You mustn't let them have the Ring! Find Yami!"

The Ringwaifs, however, didn't seem to hear the priest. Either that, or they were too stupid to realize what the flailing priest had said.

"Ok, we got him," Ringwaif One said. "Let's go bring the Ring to Soretooth and end this before LOTR gets butchered even more."

So they flew off, leaving Malik in the desert. With an evil ring of power. Smart.

--

"Now look what you've done!" Yami spat at the tomb robber.

Said tomb robber wiped the spit from his face. "So kind of you to share your royal saliva," the thief muttered. "But please. Heed the old proverb. _Say it, don't spray it._"

"You chased him off!" the fuming Pharaoh fumed, ignoring him.

"Did not."

"Yes you did. You were smirking at him!"

Bakura shook his head. "No I wasn't."

"Yes. You were."

"Prove it."

"…" The thief had him. "Ok then, if you weren't smirking at him, who were you smirking at? Me?"

Tomb Robber shook his head fiercely. "Never."

"Then who?"

He smirked. "The scorpion climbing up your robes."

"The…What?" Yami shrieked and jumped onto Bakura. "Get it off! GET IT OFF! GETITOFFAMEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Bakura fell under the Pharaoh's weight. "No, you get off ME!" He pushed Yami off him, but the shrieking Pharaoh grabbed his leg.

"No, please get it off!" Yami cried.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "It was a joke, Highness. There's no scorpion."

"There's…What?!"

"Not the brightest, are you?" Bakura idly dusted off his tattered robes. "Next time you try to jump me, make sure you don't claw so hard. I think you left marks…"

Yami's focus, however, wasn't on the ranting thief.

"What?" Bakura asked the blank-faced Pharaoh.

"Sc-Sc-Scorpion!"

Bakura then shrieked like a little girl. "YEEEEEEEK!" He jumped onto the Pharaoh. "Save me! SAVE ME!"

Yami fell down laughing. "HA! Gotcha!"

"Huh?" the bemused thief asked. "You mean…There's no…scorpion?" Bakura glared down at the Pharaoh. "NOT funny!"

Yami was still laughing. "Oh, but I think it was."

"It so was not."

Now Yami was once again staring off into space, a serious expression plastered over his once laughing face.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "You're not gonna fool me again."

Yami blinked and shook his head. "No…That's not it…"

"You can drop the act; I'm not falling for it."

"NO!" Yami stared up at him, dead serious. "I just got this…feeling."

"What…feeling?"

The Pharaoh took a deep breath. "I think Set's in trouble. It's like I can hear his voice calling out for help. My help."

Bakura shrugged. "Ok. Let's go help him then."

"What?!" Yami looked intently at the tomb robber. "You're gonna believe me? Just like that?"

Bakura stared back, just as serious. "Why not. You look serious. And I know you wouldn't joke about a thing like you're favorite priest's safety." He grinned. "I believe you."

"Bakura…" He grinned back. "I'm touched."

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't get used to it. "We're enemies, remember?"

"How could I forget?"

And so they set off together to defeat the great evil that would dare take prisoner the Pharaoh's favorite priest.

…They didn't have to go far before they met someone with some 'valuable' information.

"…And then this guy on this big, black bird thing swooped down and captured him, just like this!" Malik motioned with his hands, nearly hitting Bakura in the face.

Yami sighed. They had spent some time now listening to the delusional janitor. "Come on, Bakura," he said, getting up. "Let's go find Set."

The tomb robber got up. "I didn't know we were on a first name basis," he said with a smirk. "Yami."

"But I'm not done yet," Malik whined.

"You're insane!" Yami muttered.

"He does rather look like Marik though," Bakura mused. "Only with spikier hair. And a stretcher face." To prove this last statement, he grabbed Malik's nose and pulled, watching closely as it stretched a foot or so from the janitor's face until snapping back.

"Exactly," the impatient Pharaoh said. "Would you really trust someone with a stretchy face?"

"Yes. Actually, yes. I would."

"You're just saying that to spite me…"

"No! I would! It's cool!"

"That doesn't make it true, you moron!"

"His story makes sense, though!"

"No it doesn't!"

"Well, Pharaoh, honestly, does anything in this story make sense anymore? Did it ever?"

"Uhh…story?"

Bakura nodded and turned to wave at the cue-card guy and the director, both of whom were desperately trying to cover up the crack in the fourth-wall. It wasn't working. The thief reached over and grabbed a smoothie from Horus's hand.

Malik and Yami stared at the newly-appeared smoothie. "Where'd THAT come from?!"

Bakura merely shrugged and sipped his smoothie.

"Cut!" the director yelled from behind the wall. "Someone wanna get him outta here? We've suffered too much fourth-wall damage as it is!" Suddenly, he had a Scottish accent. "She can't take much more, Cap'tin!" (AN: I'm a bit of a Trekkie. Hopefully you all know Scottie…)

Horus, who was angry at the thief for stealing his drink, leapt at the chance. He snapped his fingers and a bolt of lightning turned the tomb robber into a pile of ash. Then he got a new smoothie.

On the other side of the fourth-wall, Yami fell to his knees before the still-smoldering pile of ash that was formerly known as the proud tomb robber Bakura. "BAKURA!" he cried out in agony, wiping a stray tear from his eye. Then he stood up and kicked the pile of ash over. "You deserved it, you disrespectful piece of scum!" He grabbed Malik. "Let's go save my priest!"

And so the two heroes ventured across the desert, a journey that normally would have taken days, surely weeks, but thanks to the magic of fanfiction, only took about five minutes.

"How do we know where we're going?" Yami asked.

Malik grinned and held up a map. "The Ringwaifs dropped this! Cool, huh?"

Yami snatched the map from the janitor's grasp. "But…There's no scale! No landmarks…No compass…How do we know when we'll get there?"

"We're here."

"What? How do you know?"

Malik pointed to a large blinking neon pink sign that read "Lord Soretooth's Secret Hide-Out!"

"Ooooh. How convenient."

The two charged in, expecting many armed guards, but met only the nine Ringwaifs playing poker and conveniently unarmed. Yami sent them to the Shadow Realm.

They charged deeper into the castle, meeting none but a few Dorks, who were quickly disposed of in a similar fashion as the Ringwaifs.

Finally, without getting lost (conveniently so) they made it to the throne room of the castle. In a pile at the dark lord's feet, lay an unconscious Set.

"Set!" Yami cried, lunging forward, but Malik held him back.

"Highness," the janitor whispered to the Pharaoh. "He wants the Ring. What shall I do with it?"

"The Ring?" Yami asked, confused. He looked at the janitor's finger and recognized the piece of jewelry. "Ooooh, that!" He paused. "Hey, how did you get that? It was in MY chambers…"

"Uhh…The internet!" Malik covered quickly.

"Yami shrugged. "Whatever. All's ya gotta do is toss it in Mount Dues ex Machina." Yami pointed to a bubbling volcano. "Toss it into the hot nacho cheese from whence it was forged!"

Malik sweatdropped. "Nacho cheese?"

"Well, yes, what did you expect?!"

"Ummm…Fire…Maybe, y'know, lava…"

Yami shook his head impatiently. "Nope, not here. Now quickly! Do it! I must save Set!" And so Yami bravely dashed forward, rushing to his unconscious priest's side.

Malik shrugged and headed over to Mount Dues ex Machina.

--

"Set!" Yami shook the priest's shoulder. "Set!"

A deep rumbling laugher issued from the throne at the front of the room. "I'm afraid he won't wake. Not until you hand over the Ring of 3VILN355!"

Yami paused. "Is there any other way that he'll wake?"

"Well…" the deep voice from the shadows of the throne contemplated, "I supposed you could kill me."

"…And I would do that how?"

"Well, you'd have to throw the Ring of 3VILN355 into the nacho cheese of Mount Dues ex Machina, of course. But either way, you'd need the Ring."

Yami smirked. "Well then, prepare to die!"

"You mean, you have the Ring?"

"Noooo, but my accomplice does! And he should be tossing the Ring into Mount Dues ex Machina right about…" He paused to count. "Three, two, one…NOW!" Yami raised a fist in victory and waited for the agonizing screams of the dark lord as he was ripped apart from the insides.

Nothing happened.

Yami started sweating. "Come on, Malik, anytime now…"

--

It wasn't really a mountain. More like a…hill. Not even. It was just a very small pile of sand with a pool of nacho cheese in it. Mmmm….cheese….Malik reached a finger out to the cheese. "Ow! That's hot!" He lifted the cheese-covered finger to his mouth. "Yuuuuum! That's good!"

The Ring then slipped off his finger and into the hot nacho cheese.

"NOOOO! PRECIOUSSSSS!!!!" Malik jumped in after it. Screaming in agony and ecstasy, he clutched the Ring in his last dying moments before both he and the Ring melted to become one with the nacho cheese. "Preciousss…."

--

"NOOOOOOO!" the dark lord screamed from the shadows. "The Ring! The Ring! It's been destroyed! I am doomed!"

Yami smirked. "Yes! Go Malik!"

The shadows at the throne began to move as a figure appeared out of them. It was a man. Tall. Thin. Galsses. Buckteeth. A nerd. (AN: I am not making fun of nerds. I just thought who better to be an evil lord than a nerd?)

"What?!" Yami shouted in disbelief. "_You're_ the Dark Lord Soretooth?!"

Soretooth snorted. "Of course. What were you expecting?"

Yami shrugged. "But wait! Shouldn't you be dead…or something?"

Soretooth smirked. "Apparently not."

"But…They said…You said…Cheese…" Yami stopped to think. How would he defeat such a formidable foe? Stupid Soretooth. Soretooth. Wait. Soretooth. Sore tooth. No, it couldn't be that easy…

…could it?

Yami shrugged and decided to give it a try. Why not?

The Pharaoh got up and charged the Dark Lord, crying out in fury. Soretooth tried to back away, but wasn't fast enough. Yami's fist connected – with Soretooth's buck teeth.

"Noooooooooo!!! How did you figure out my weakness?! HOW?! Now I am defeated!" Soretooth was then struck by lightening and turned into a pile of ash.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Yami leaned down over Set. Who still wasn't awake.

"What?!" he shouted. "But I did what they told me to! I killed him! Why is my priest still out-cold?!"

"Maybe because it wasn't Soretooth who put the spell on him," a familiar voice said from behind him.

Yami gasped and spun around to come face to face with none other than…

"Bakura?!"

The tomb robber smirked. "That's right."

"But you were with me the whole time! How did you manage to get all the way over here? You're dead!"

Bakura shrugged. "Actually, I have no idea. So I just went with it."

"Oh." Yami nodded. "But I demand you release Set!"

"No!"

"Well, why bloody not?"

"Because you ordered me to."

"Ok then, _please_ release Set."

"No."

"WHY?!"

"Because it's fun to torment you!"

Yami sighed. "I've had enough of this." He tapped into the vast powers of his Millennium Puzzle. "Gods, I ask of thee, remove this foe from my path and return my priest to my side!"

Bakura snorted. "Yeah right, like the gods are really gonna listen to y-"

The thief never got a chance to finish his sentence, as he was struck by lightning for a second time.

Yami smirked. "Serves you right! You…loser!" He was about to do a victory dance, when he heard a groan from behind him. "Set!" Yami once again rushed to his fallen priest's side. "Set, are you alright?"

The dazed priest slowly opened his eyes. "Yami?" he asked quietly. Then, louder, "HOLY RA!"

Yami looked confused. "Umm…What?"

"RA!"

The Pharaoh smiled. "Yes, indeed, the gods to smile upon us."

"No! It's…RA!" Set pointed behind the Pharaoh.

Slowly, Yami spun around. There, stood the most glorious sight he had ever seen in his life. Well, besides his beloved High Priest, that is. A glowing figure, wreathed in an ethereal light, his clothing eerily floating out around him. Yami nodded. "Ra…"

The figure stuck his thumbs up. "That's m'name! Nice t'meetcha, Pharaoh!"

Yami blinked. "Umm…Ra? What are you doing here?"

Ra grinned. "Why, to start up the closing musical scene, of course!" He snapped his fingers and the music to _You're the One That I Want_ from the movie _Grease _started playing. "Take it, Pharaoh!"

"I got chills, they're multiplyin'," Yami sang, "and I'm losin' control! Cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'" He fell to his knees and slid on the floor to Set.

"You better shape up," Set sang back, "cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you! You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true! Nothing left, nothing left for me to do!"

All of a sudden, their future counterparts (Ryou, Marik, Yugi, and Kaiba), the genie, Malik, the Ringwaifs, Soretooth, and Bakura jumped out to sing back-up. Even the cuecard guy and the director joined in, dragging Horus and Seth along.

"You're the one that I want," they all sang, "ooh ooh ooh, honey! The one that I want, ooh ooh ooh, honey! The one that I want, ooh ooh ooh, honey! The one I nee, oh yes indeed!"

"If you're filled with affection, 'n you're too shy to convey! Meditate my direction, feel your way!"

"I better shape up, cause you need a man," Yami sang.

"I need a man, who can keep me satisfied," Set sang back.

"I better shape up, if I'm gonna prove," Yami continued.

"You better prove, that my fate is justified," Set finished.

"Are you sure? Yes I'm sure down deep inside!" they finished the song together in duet, ending it with a kiss. Everyone cheered before scattering with cries of "Eww! That's gross!" The Pharaoh and his High Priest, however, didn't seem to notice. They were too wrapped up with each other.

END

"That was so beautiful!" Seth, still crying even after the Pharaoh and the priest had gone home sobbed. "So…Beautiful!"

"Err…Right," Horus mumbled, petting the god of chaos's head awkwardly as the sobbingdiety leaned on his shoulder. "The story's over. Happy ending and all. Wanna go get a smoothie?"

Seth tearfully looked up. "But we're bitter enemies!"

Horus shrugged. "Meh, anything can be mended over a couple of smoothies! Even a bitter grudge!"

"I love you!" Seth cried, once again latching onto the falcon-headed diety.

"Don't push it." And so the two headed off to get those smoothies. The end. No, really this time.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Well, wasn't that lovely final chapter? Yeah, don't know why I put the whole Grease song in there. I just decided this story needed a musical ending. I hope I ended it well. I don't think it was that bad! Oh well, this story's had a good run and I'm kinda proud of it! Thanks for your time! This is really…THE END!


End file.
